Handling Christian Conflicts

As long as we are living in a fallen world, we are going to have conflicts. We, as Christians, should not bury our heads in the sand and pretend we are all going to agree with each other on everything. It's not realistic and it leads to disappointment when there are disagreements. After all, one party has to be wrong. Or do they? I'd like to call your attention to Acts 15:36-41. We know that Paul and Barnabas had a disagreement about taking John Mark on a mission trip. The disagreement was so bad, they parted ways. Was Paul right or was Barnabas? Could both of them have been right? Paul was focused on his trip and we know it was successful. But, we also know Paul's opinion of John Mark would change as later he would write: "Get Mark and bring him with you, because he is helpful to me in my ministry". (2 Timothy 4:11)

So what is the Biblical way for Christians to handle conflicts? Sometimes people say or do things to us that we perceive as wrong and they might not even realize it. What do you do?

a) Keep it to yourself and stew about it?
b) Go to one or more other people and complain?
c) Go to that person and ask them about it?
d) Forgive them and forget it?

Stewing about some perceived grievance is definitely not Biblical, so "a" is not an appropriate response. That's one way to make sure it never gets resolved. That leads to anger, which frequently leads to sin. Ephesians 4:26 warns and instructs us: "In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.

If you answered "b", you're doing what natural man usually does. You're not looking for resolution to the problem. You're just building up a camp of discontent. You go to people who are inclined to agree with you and you get people on your side. If the other party does likewise, then your problem becomes a church problem and leads to division in the body.

If you answered "c", you're following the Biblical model. Matthew 18:15-17 tells us: "If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.' If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector."

When we jump past all these intermediate steps and go toward the end of this process, we involve many more people than is likely necessary. This sows discord, particularly among younger and newer Christians. We need to be very careful about this as we are warned in Matthew 18:6-7: "If anyone causes one of these little ones-those who believe in me-to stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea. Woe to the world because of the things that cause people to stumble! Such things must come, but woe to the person through whom they come!"

I know free speech sounds like a good thing to our American ears. But, as Christians, we don't have that right. We are called to a much higher standard in Ephesians 4:29-32: Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Finally, you can also make a case for "d". I remember when I was a child, my good friend and neighbor Kenny and I frequently got into fights. I'm not just talking about a verbal disagreement. These were frequently physical fights where both of us were a little dinged up. Maybe we would part ways for the rest of the day. But the new day always brought a clean slate. Everything was forgiven and forgotten. Wouldn't it be great if we adults could still do that?

Donnie Chaffin,
3rd Dan